KING TUT'S MOST EXCELLENT GUIDE TO ALL THINGS SHABTI

COLONEL CODY
I know, I know. A parent shouldn't have a favorite kid. But it's just that Colonel Cody has been with me through everything. When I almost lost him in the underworld . . . well, let's just say that was a pretty low point in my immortal life. I don't know what I would have done without him. Sure, he offers to end his existence if I imply in even the slightest way that something's not quite perfect, but I find that kind of endearing.

• Appearance: Gold clothing and gold face
• Role: Leader of the shabtis
• Special Info: Sometimes I'm sure Colonel Cody has telepathic abilities. He seriously knows what I'm thinking before I even do. But it's not just me. He's the same way with Gil, Henry, and even Horus. Also, Colonel Cody is part of a shabti poker group that meets in my hall closet on Wednesdays at midnight. He always wins. Always.

MAJOR REX
At times it feels like I can't leave the townhouse with at least three shabtis in tow. Along with Colonel Cody, Majors Mack and Rex are almost never left behind.

• Appearance: Green clothing, golden arms, small sword and bow/arrows
• Role: Weapons specialist; first line of defense for the pharaoh; often placed in charge when Colonel Cody is gone
• Special Info: Uses every opportunity to drill his troops on fighting techniques and battle maneuvers. Has ninja stealth skills. Practices kung fu. Can construct an arrow out of a toothpick in five seconds flat. Is often found reading The Art of War.

MAJOR MACK
Sure, Majors Rex and Mack are a ton alike, but if you spend more than five minutes with these guys, you'll never confuse them again.

• Appearance: Green clothing, golden arms, small sword and bow/arrows
• Role: Member of the pharaoh's special fighting unit
• Special Info: Though skilled with both the sword and the bow, Major Mack definitely prefers the sword. His sword is pure black and is named OBSIDIAN ANNIHILATION (he picked the name). When he thinks I'm not watching, he throws peanuts in the air and slices them in half.

LIEUTENANT ROY
My townhouse has got to be the cleanest place in all of the United States. Maybe even the world. But if you think there's a cleaner place, please don't tell Lieutenant Roy. He's already way too concerned about every loose hair or speck of dust. Still, it's nice to never worry about mildew in the bathroom.

• Appearance: Purple
• Role: Number one in charge of cleanup efforts around the townhouse
• Special Info: Lieutenant Roy can smell dust. I'm not kidding. I see him sniff the air at least once every five minutes. Sometimes I even hear him when I'm sleeping. It kind of freaks me out. Please don't tell him about that either.

LIEUTENANT VIRGIL
I will never starve to death--at least not so long as Lieutenant Virgil is around. And this scone thing he's got going on . . . yum! In addition to scones, Lieutenant Virgil is all about snacks and appetizers. Some nights, for dinner, I have mini-quiches and cheese sticks. He also makes sure I never run out of Ranch dressing.

• Appearance: Solid blue; often wears an apron and a chef hat
• Role: Drinks and snacks for the pharaoh
• Special Info: His favorite day of the year in March 14, also known as Pi Day. This past March 14th, he baked thirty one pies, one for every day of the month. Henry and I tasted as many as we could, and then we finally convinced him to let us take some to the food bank. Lieutenant Virgil never realized what a great feeling it is to help those less fortunate. Now he makes ten pies a week that we deliver to the local soup kitchen.

LIEUTENANT LEON
If Lieutenant Virgil is more the snacks guys, then Lieutenant Leon is the shabti that makes sure I am properly nourished. I could eat nothing but scones and bacon all day long and be happy. I suggested this to Lieutenant Leon once. Big mistake. He got Captains Otis and Otto to print out a bunch of information on proper diet, and then he did a crash course in Nutrition. Now he's constantly rambling on about healthy living tips. He even keeps track of how many glasses of water I drink each day. I feel like a camel. Sometimes, when he's not watching, I dump the water into the plants.

• Appearance: Solid blue
• Role: Drinks and snacks for the pharaoh
• Special Info: Plans to write a diet book, but claims he has writer's block. His current working title is BUILD A BETTER BODY WITH BACON. I think it has huge potential.

CAPTAIN OTIS
The hardest thing about being immortal? Making sure one of my neighbors doesn't walk up with a school yearbook from thirty years ago and point to my picture. Thankfully I have Captain Otis. He's managed to destroy all evidence of my past, including horrible yearbook pictures. He also took care of that awful mullet thing I had going on back in the eighties.

• Appearance: Silver clothing, silver skin
• Role: Lead hacker, computer expert
• Special Info: Besides hacking, the thing Captain Otis loves the most is video games. He plays them constantly. His current favorite is Minecraft. He even created a server to go along with my stories. And he wrote a video game called ESCAPE FROM KING TUT'S TOMB. It's really hard to get through all ten levels. You can find both on this really cool website he created www.pjhoover.com

CAPTAIN OTTO
Another hard thing about living an immortal life? I always need new documents to prove my existence. The world demands them. So every few years, Captain Otto makes me a new birth certificate. That and a social security card. I can't get into school without either of them. Hmmm . . . maybe that's not such a bad thing.

• Appearance: Silver clothing, silver skin
• Role: Lead hacker, computer expert
• Special Info: He spends hours watching movies and episodes of TV shows online. His favorite movies are those awful early horror movies, especially the mummy ones. Maybe it reminds him of all those years he was locked in my tomb.

NAME A SHABTI

Obviously that's not all of my shabtis. And as much fun as I've had naming them, I'm sort of running out of ideas. I could definitely use some name suggestions. So if you've got a great name for a shabti, let me know in the comment box below!
p.s. keep it clean as I can tell where it comes from :)