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Three-hundred sixty-five shabtis. Itís a lot to keep track of! Iím not kidding when I tell you all that it took me years to keep them all straight. But Iíve gotten pretty good at telling them apart. My secret? It all comes down to finding one special thing beyond their painted exterior. One unique quality that sets them apart.

In the event you want to know more about the shabtis, I offer up this simple guide.

Click here to NAME A SHABTI!

I know, I know. A parent shouldnít have a favorite kid. But itís just that Colonel Cody has been with me through everything. When I almost lost him in the underworld . . . well, letís just say that was a pretty low point in my immortal life. I donít know what I would have done without him. Sure, he offers to end his existence if I imply in even the slightest way that somethingís not quite perfect, but I find that kind of endearing.
  • Appearance: Gold clothing and gold face
  • Role: Leader of the shabtis
  • Special Info: Sometimes Iím sure Colonel Cody has telepathic abilities. He seriously knows what Iím thinking before I even do. But itís not just me. Heís the same way with Gil, Henry, and even Horus. Also, Colonel Cody is part of a shabti poker group that meets in my hall closet on Wednesdays at midnight. He always wins. Always.

At times it feels like I canít leave the townhouse with at least three shabtis in tow. Along with Colonel Cody, Majors Mack and Rex are almost never left behind.
  • Appearance: Green clothing, golden arms, small sword and bow/arrows
  • Role: Weapons specialist; first line of defense for the pharaoh; often placed in charge when Colonel Cody is gone
  • Special Info: Uses every opportunity to drill his troops on fighting techniques and battle maneuvers. Has ninja stealth skills. Practices kung fu. Can construct an arrow out of a toothpick in five seconds flat. Is often found reading The Art of War.

Sure, Majors Rex and Mack are a ton alike, but if you spend more than five minutes with these guys, youíll never confuse them again.
  • Appearance: Green clothing, golden arms, small sword and bow/arrows
  • Role: Member of the pharaohís special fighting unit
  • Special Info: Though skilled with both the sword and the bow, Major Mack definitely prefers the sword. His sword is pure black and is named OBSIDIAN ANNIHILATION (he picked the name). When he thinks Iím not watching, he throws peanuts in the air and slices them in half.

My townhouse has got to be the cleanest place in all of the United States. Maybe even the world. But if you think thereís a cleaner place, please donít tell Lieutenant Roy. Heís already way too concerned about every loose hair or speck of dust. Still, itís nice to never worry about mildew in the bathroom.
  • Appearance: Purple
  • Role: Number one in charge of cleanup efforts around the townhouse
  • Special Info: Lieutenant Roy can smell dust. Iím not kidding. I see him sniff the air at least once every five minutes. Sometimes I even hear him when Iím sleeping. It kind of freaks me out. Please donít tell him about that either.

I will never starve to deathóat least not so long as Lieutenant Virgil is around. And this scone thing heís got going on . . . yum! In addition to scones, Lieutenant Virgil is all about snacks and appetizers. Some nights, for dinner, I have mini-quiches and cheese sticks. He also makes sure I never run out of Ranch dressing.
  • Appearance: Solid blue; often wears an apron and a chef hat
  • Role: Drinks and snacks for the pharaoh
  • Special Info: His favorite day of the year in March 14, also known as Pi Day. This past March 14th, he baked thirty one pies, one for every day of the month. Henry and I tasted as many as we could, and then we finally convinced him to let us take some to the food bank. Lieutenant Virgil never realized what a great feeling it is to help those less fortunate. Now he makes ten pies a week that we deliver to the local soup kitchen.

If Lieutenant Virgil is more the snacks guys, then Lieutenant Leon is the shabti that makes sure I am properly nourished. I could eat nothing but scones and bacon all day long and be happy. I suggested this to Lieutenant Leon once. Big mistake. He got Captains Otis and Otto to print out a bunch of information on proper diet, and then he did a crash course in Nutrition. Now heís constantly rambling on about healthy living tips. He even keeps track of how many glasses of water I drink each day. I feel like a camel. Sometimes, when heís not watching, I dump the water into the plants.
  • Appearance: Solid blue
  • Role: Drinks and snacks for the pharaoh
  • Special Info: Plans to write a diet book, but claims he has writerís block. His current working title is BUILD A BETTER BODY WITH BACON. I think it has huge potential.

The hardest thing about being immortal? Making sure one of my neighbors doesnít walk up with a school yearbook from thirty years ago and point to my picture. Thankfully I have Captain Otis. Heís managed to destroy all evidence of my past, including horrible yearbook pictures. He also took care of that awful mullet thing I had going on back in the eighties.
  • Appearance: Silver clothing, silver skin
  • Role: Lead hacker, computer expert
  • Special Info: Besides hacking, the thing Captain Otis loves the most is video games. He plays them constantly. His current favorite is Minecraft. He even created a server to go along with my stories. And he wrote a video game called ESCAPE FROM KING TUTíS TOMB. Itís really hard to get through all ten levels. You can find both on this really cool website he created www.pjhoover.com

Another hard thing about living an immortal life? I always need new documents to prove my existence. The world demands them. So every few years, Captain Otto makes me a new birth certificate. That and a social security card. I canít get into school without either of them. Hmmm . . . maybe thatís not such a bad thing.
  • Appearance: Silver clothing, silver skin
  • Role: Lead hacker, computer expert
  • Special Info: He spends hours watching movies and episodes of TV shows online. His favorite movies are those awful early horror movies, especially the mummy ones. Maybe it reminds him of all those years he was locked in my tomb.


Obviously thatís not all of my shabtis. And as much fun as Iíve had naming them, Iím sort of running out of ideas. I could definitely use some name suggestions. So if youíve got a great name for a shabti, let me know in the comment box below!
p.s. keep it clean as I can tell where it comes from :)

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